Four Years Ago...

World Cup Soccer happens every four years. Here in NYC it's some serious WC fever.
Both Rolyn and I could not wait for it to start. And then yesterday, it did. We were both at work and both posted a similar status to the book of face within minutes of each other. That first game with the sounds and images took us back to four years ago. I had just been admitted to the hospital unexpectedly. Well not really unexpected but we really really hoped that it would not happen. I was 29 weeks pregnant with Davis. I had been on modified bed rest since week 12 and full-on-flat-out-bed-rest since week 20. At my weekly dr. appointment my cervix had dramatically shortened and my doc did not hesitate to admit me immediately. They hooked me up to a constant pump of meds that kept my uterus calm and made me feel speedy. And we waited. Begging borrowing and pleading that this baby would stay put. We waited and we held our breaths and we watched soccer.

6.5 weeks later. Davis arrived, 4 weeks 2 days early. She was 7lbs 3oz (go bed rest) and screaming. Which was what I needed. A screaming baby meant she was alive and she was here. Having given birth the year before to silent babies, all I wanted to hear was screaming. We had finally done it. We made it through 3 ivf cycles and 35 weeks 5 days of anxiety and we were on the "other side" SHE was here and she was healthy. Beautiful. In that moment it did not matter that I had been in bed for so long or all that I went through to even get pregnant. It just didn't matter. She was here! She has healed our hearts in the way they could be healed. She has also made us miss our Tess and Oliver and all that we missed with losing them.

Fast forward to four years later. As World Cup starts we again find ourselves waiting. The anxiety is there too but not the same as with Davis. But it's there. And funny enough some of the same questions of When? How? Boy? Girl? Well, they are all there too.

So I keep telling myself that once we are on the "other side" of all of this. Once we have this sweet baby, OUR baby, in our arms and in our home and in our family. None of this wait will matter. None of the paperwork, the changes in the process, and did I mention the wait? oh the WAIT. None of it will matter.

I'm not saying that I have forgotten about the heartache and anxiety that was the road to Davis. But I am saying that it's faded. It's not front and center. In the big picture it's just part of the story. The beginning.

So here we go. Watching World Cup Soccer, thankfully not flat out in a hospital bed, and we are waiting again. Waiting for the story to play itself out. I expect there to be bumps in this road that we've yet to encounter and that makes me anxious. I have faith that we will make it through and I know in the end this will all just be part of the story. The beginning.

Professions I'm not cut out for...

Professional (adoption blog) Stalker.
Although I believe I now have stellar qualifications, I do not think this would be a good career match for me. It's. Exhausting.

You're Invited!

....to obsess with me.

The phone lines have been down this week so far in Ethiopia. These families with court dates on June 1 must be going crazy. I know I would be. I keep checking their blogs hourly just in case the phone lines come up and they hear good news. So when it comes time for our court date. Well, yeah, crazy might not be crazy enough a word to describe my feelings.

Current obsession, after I've checked on families with court dates, is looking at the list. While there is a wide range of time lines our agency gives as reference, the date you get your referral, court date and US embassy date all seem arbitrary. I know that they are not, as every child has it's own history and paperwork and situation that affect everything. On the outside looking in, why two families that receive a referral the same week can then go on markedly different wait times for a court date etc. does seem arbitrary. Even though it's not. This is currently happening. One family in Ethiopia bringing a child home and one family still waiting for a court date. But they received their referral within days of each other. ahhhhhhhhh. The hows and the whys are all just part of this process of InternationalAdoption. Sometimes the answers are simple and sometime there are simply no answers.

But still. I obsess. Currently we are around number 8 on the list. Last year during the month of June there were more than 10 referrals. Of those almost all passed court before court closed for the rainy season. BUT that was last year before the new laws were passed therefore probably not best to compare, right? Yeah. But. Oh how I would love for this to happen again this year! Because yes, it would be great to get baby home asap...but also because our bonding time, my maternity leave (which will be unpaid. hot topic for another post.) would be happening end of summer into early Fall. Perfect for NYC. I was swinging in the hammock with Davis last night and all I could think of is how awesome it will be to do this holding both of my children. Which won't be happening in November-February folks. In fact for me November is the most miserable month here...the days are short. It's dark in the morning and it's dark by 4pm. I'll take the snow and rain in April over the November dark any day. ok, if I am totally honest when it's freezing cold in February I'm pretty miserable too. November seems to mark the end of Fall, so that stands out and best illustrates my obsession over timing. ;)

Crazy. Yes, I'm obsessing and working out calendar days on something completely 100% out of my control and really cannot be compared to this case or that case or what happened last year. Because when we do receive our referral, it will be our case. And our case will be unique. Maybe everything will be in perfect order and we will be expedited through the system and maybe it will be quite the opposite. For now, I will sit on the side that is happy and hopeful all is in order for us to hear news soon, and time is on our side. Even if it's not, I know in the end none of this will matter and life will be good.

But.

It sure does pass the time to obsess a little, no?

Repeat.

1. Turn on computer.
2. Go here.
3. Look at the list of waiting families.
4. Note that nothing has changed.
5. Repeat steps 1-4 over and over and over.

Overflow.

Reading all the comments on Heidi's baby shower blog have me bawling in my office.
Reading this this this and this also have me bawling.

Am I just super sensitive? Hormonal? Completely normal?

All I keep thinking is "good grief how the heck am I going to get through OUR story with one memory, interaction or picture that doesn't have me rockin' the ugly cry face?"

Note to self: Pack kleenex. Lots of 'em.

Single digits.

I had a different post in mind for today. But then I found out we have broken into the single digits on the unofficial list of waiting Gladney families...and well, that just took over!

It's feeling really real now. My plan of not thinking about any baby news until September/October is officially out the window. Seriously, who was I kidding? I was trying to keep my expectations low so as to not be disappointed. Impossible.

Congrats to all the Gladney families that have received referrals and especially those that have passed court in the last few weeks. It's all very exciting and gives me much hope.

Love and loss.

The past few weeks have been oddly quiet on the referral front. We have not budged one spot on the wait list. It's probably not a coincidence that with this "quiet" there has been everything but quiet in my head. Thoughts have been creeping in for some time now and the closer we get to this actually happening, the more real it becomes, the more my thoughts about loss have taken over my thoughts.

When we did our home study the social worker asked us what about this adoption were we "grieving" Which might sound odd that loss or grief would be or could be associated with adding a miracle to our family. But, the real fact is that adoption does come with a loss. Though the definition of loss is different for everyone involved.

For me, my answer was the grieving the loss of those first few days, weeks, months after our baby is born. That teeny baby stage that we will not be a part of or may not even know anything about. When Davis was born those first few weeks were like heaven. After the long road, the long wait and the months in bed and in the hospital, she was here. We floated. We pinched ourselves. 3.5 years later we are still pinching ourselves, soaking in every single moment. I don't want to miss one second of anything with this new baby either.

For our baby, the definition of loss is fairly obvious, everything. Their mother and father, possibly siblings, extended family, their country...

My thoughts have been filled with: Is this baby born? Has the tragic event already happened that will make my baby an orphan? Is there a mother, father, grandmother, somewhere hurting, debating a decision that will change many lives forever?

The pain of all of this can keep me awake at night. And brings tears to my eyes as I type. It can be difficult looking forward to something that will bring pure joy to me, knowing it might be causing the opposite emotion for someone else.

Love and loss.