Saturday, June 12, 2010

Four Years Ago...

World Cup Soccer happens every four years. Here in NYC it's some serious WC fever.
Both Rolyn and I could not wait for it to start. And then yesterday, it did. We were both at work and both posted a similar status to the book of face within minutes of each other. That first game with the sounds and images took us back to four years ago. I had just been admitted to the hospital unexpectedly. Well not really unexpected but we really really hoped that it would not happen. I was 29 weeks pregnant with Davis. I had been on modified bed rest since week 12 and full-on-flat-out-bed-rest since week 20. At my weekly dr. appointment my cervix had dramatically shortened and my doc did not hesitate to admit me immediately. They hooked me up to a constant pump of meds that kept my uterus calm and made me feel speedy. And we waited. Begging borrowing and pleading that this baby would stay put. We waited and we held our breaths and we watched soccer.

6.5 weeks later. Davis arrived, 4 weeks 2 days early. She was 7lbs 3oz (go bed rest) and screaming. Which was what I needed. A screaming baby meant she was alive and she was here. Having given birth the year before to silent babies, all I wanted to hear was screaming. We had finally done it. We made it through 3 ivf cycles and 35 weeks 5 days of anxiety and we were on the "other side" SHE was here and she was healthy. Beautiful. In that moment it did not matter that I had been in bed for so long or all that I went through to even get pregnant. It just didn't matter. She was here! She has healed our hearts in the way they could be healed. She has also made us miss our Tess and Oliver and all that we missed with losing them.

Fast forward to four years later. As World Cup starts we again find ourselves waiting. The anxiety is there too but not the same as with Davis. But it's there. And funny enough some of the same questions of When? How? Boy? Girl? Well, they are all there too.

So I keep telling myself that once we are on the "other side" of all of this. Once we have this sweet baby, OUR baby, in our arms and in our home and in our family. None of this wait will matter. None of the paperwork, the changes in the process, and did I mention the wait? oh the WAIT. None of it will matter.

I'm not saying that I have forgotten about the heartache and anxiety that was the road to Davis. But I am saying that it's faded. It's not front and center. In the big picture it's just part of the story. The beginning.

So here we go. Watching World Cup Soccer, thankfully not flat out in a hospital bed, and we are waiting again. Waiting for the story to play itself out. I expect there to be bumps in this road that we've yet to encounter and that makes me anxious. I have faith that we will make it through and I know in the end this will all just be part of the story. The beginning.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Professions I'm not cut out for...

Professional (adoption blog) Stalker.
Although I believe I now have stellar qualifications, I do not think this would be a good career match for me. It's. Exhausting.