Wednesday, January 26, 2011

The light...

Sorry I dropped off the planet. But my mother always told me, "If you don't have anything nice to say, say nothing at all." Sigh. Seriously...the waiting...the waiting to go back to Ethiopia and bring our beautiful boy home, well, there are no words to describe the torture.

It's complicated, but we were given original dates to travel. We booked tickets. (Hello $500 in change fees) We let our jobs know. We got our babysitter another job for my maternity leave since my leave from work will not be paid. Yes, you read that correctly and I will save it for another post, or not...please re-read my Mother's words of wisdom above. And then everything stopped. The skinny is this: we are missing one piece of paper that in 5 weeks has not been able to manifest itself. I could give you the blow by blow but honestly it's hard for ME to wrap my head around and by the time I got it all'd be asleep.

Every day for four weeks we've thought this is THE day. Only to be crushed when it was not. It is similar to that feeling when we were waiting for our referral and about 5pm without the phone ringing we would both let out a sigh that hurt. It is exactly like that if only that feeling could be multiplied by a million plus.

Yesterday after hearing bad news yet again I made a decision. It just is what it is. When our paperwork is complete we will go and bring our beautiful boy home. No more looking at our timeline and being sad that we have fallen into almost every pitfall that could cause a delay. That is all in the past. There is nothing that can be done about that now. Just as there is not really anything that we can do about this piece of paper that is the missing link.

So I've stopped waiting. It will come when it comes. Today when we got our daily "Nope, nothing." I just said ok and got back to work. No tears, no sigh, nothing. Maybe I'm just numb?

Tonight I looked at this picture and I thought THIS is the light. He is the the beautiful light at the end of the tunnel.

My sweet boy. Bekalu John. We are coming for you soon. And until we do, we're getting ready for you here. Your room that you will share with your sister is almost complete. She said tonight she wants to cover the wall by your crib with drawings just for you. She is very concerned that you do not have "your song" yet, so we worked on that while getting ready for school this morning. Sorry to say Mr. Bek, but your song will likely include your sister's name and probably something sparkly or pink or both. But them are the breaks when you have a big sister. There is more love growing than can be contained within these walls and I'm certain you've felt it covering you.

I'm only focusing on the things that are positive and the things I can control. Everything else is in the dark for now. And the light, the light is YOU and the love and joy I feel when I imagine you in your family's arms forever.

p.s. I reserve the right to change my mind about being positive if __ more weeks pass without said piece of paper. And yes, the number of weeks I can promise being positive without some movement is TBD. ;)