Love and loss.

The past few weeks have been oddly quiet on the referral front. We have not budged one spot on the wait list. It's probably not a coincidence that with this "quiet" there has been everything but quiet in my head. Thoughts have been creeping in for some time now and the closer we get to this actually happening, the more real it becomes, the more my thoughts about loss have taken over my thoughts.

When we did our home study the social worker asked us what about this adoption were we "grieving" Which might sound odd that loss or grief would be or could be associated with adding a miracle to our family. But, the real fact is that adoption does come with a loss. Though the definition of loss is different for everyone involved.

For me, my answer was the grieving the loss of those first few days, weeks, months after our baby is born. That teeny baby stage that we will not be a part of or may not even know anything about. When Davis was born those first few weeks were like heaven. After the long road, the long wait and the months in bed and in the hospital, she was here. We floated. We pinched ourselves. 3.5 years later we are still pinching ourselves, soaking in every single moment. I don't want to miss one second of anything with this new baby either.

For our baby, the definition of loss is fairly obvious, everything. Their mother and father, possibly siblings, extended family, their country...

My thoughts have been filled with: Is this baby born? Has the tragic event already happened that will make my baby an orphan? Is there a mother, father, grandmother, somewhere hurting, debating a decision that will change many lives forever?

The pain of all of this can keep me awake at night. And brings tears to my eyes as I type. It can be difficult looking forward to something that will bring pure joy to me, knowing it might be causing the opposite emotion for someone else.

Love and loss.