When we first set out on this adoption adventure I was adamant about keeping our future child's story private. It would be his/her story to tell when they felt comfortable sharing. I had read a bit on the subject and it made complete sense to me... How would you feel if one day you realized that everyone, even people you did not know, knew your story...or even lack of story? How would you feel when you found out that everyone knew what happened to you and the circumstances of how you became an orphan? When I think of it and imagine it, it hurts deeply.
And then we got our referral...and we hadn't spoken about this subject in months...and we got caught up in the moment...and information was shared. And then we found out that the information was shared to others, not by us, but by people excited for us. I feel horrible. I feel heartbroken. I cannot take it back. I cannot reverse time.
I'm now sharing this for anyone waiting for a referral. You should really think about it and plan for it and make a conscious decision to share or not to share.
This post is awesome. (and also kept me awake last night...wishing I had been as strong for my son) Julie also talks about it here and here in regards to a child that IS ready to tell their story.
I am feeling pretty vulnerable sharing this as I feel like I have failed my son. As his mother I am supposed to protect him with everything I have. I also know that as a mother there are lots of times that I haven't felt like I was enough, that I had stumbled. But then after talking to other mothers about shared experiences, I can turn it around and feel ok, and know that I had done no permanent damage. I'm not sure how I feel about this one or what will make me feel ok.
Please do not misunderstand...there is NOTHING in his story (or any child that's been adopted for that matter) that I am ashamed of or my sweet boy should feel ashamed about... but I do feel that it is his story, and it's my duty to make him feel secure and safe with it.
One day Baby B, I will share all of this with you. I hope that you will understand I am human and flawed and won't always be perfect. But I do hope beyond anything that I will be perfect for you.
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You ARE a perfect mama,,,in a very imperfect world. I am SO proud of your enormous giving, loving heart! You were a strong willed child who grew up to be a beautiful, strong woman. YOU are just what Baby B needs - a mama who will love and protect him and keep him safe for always and forever! hugs, hugs, hugs
ReplyDeleteI am guilty of the same thing. You are not alone in feeling this way. I have only shared with family, but word seems to move fast. I have just made it very clear that we will be the ones (Jim and I) to talk with her about this when SHE is ready. We have lived through one open adoption with our oldest and let me say that they will let you know when they feel able to process the information. Love that you are so honest about how you feel.
ReplyDeleteAmen, Sister! Claudia's post packed a punch, didn't it? I had already been feeling uncomfortable with our previous decision and her words really hit it home for me.
ReplyDeleteIt is clear that you are an amazing mama. I can't wait for little B to be in your arms!
Oh Heather, I totally know how you feel. We felt like we were VERY careful about what we shared and to who we shared it and explained that it was supposed to be private. But we know that it has been shared outside that group and I am SO angry about it. Of course, all I can do is blame myself. Next time around not even the grandparents will know. But show yourself some mercy. I am trying to do the same. Love you!!
ReplyDeleteOh Heather,I'm really sorry that what I wrote kept you awake! Life is so hard, isn't it, especially with all of these issues... it's so hard to know what to do, and sometimes it feels like NOT saying something will hurt other people that we care about. Sending you a hug - it's really tough, isn't it??
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