One. Blue.

What? Really? Yes, really.
#1 for a boy and #5 for a girl.

Starting Monday, this shall be the daily mantra:
Deep breath. Was that my phone? Deep breath. Was that my phone? Deep breath.

Feeling Blue.

So another referral yesterday. Yay! So exciting!
That means we are #2 for a boy and #6 for a girl.
Originally when we started talking about adoption, this baby in my head was a girl...but it's now looking pretty blue 'round these parts. I've started talking to Davis about this and she seems ok with a brother as long as she gets to be the BIG sister. I suppose in her head it clinches being the "line leader" forever and ever.

I would also like to record for history purposes this conversation I had with Davis on May 1.
We were visiting family in TX and driving in the car and this is the back and forth:
Davis> "Mama, I think my baby's birthday is today."
Me> "Your baby doll Ruby?"
Davis>"No Mama, MY baby in Africa. It's their birthday."
Me> "You mean they are turning one?"
Davis> "No Mama, it is the first birthday ever. I think MY baby's birthday is today."

If it turns out this baby was born on May 1, after a bit of a mama-freak-out, I will immediately have Davis select six numbers for a lotto ticket.

June 18.

Happy 41 to me but the biggest news today is we are six months into the wait. The last few have been especially hard, I can only imagine it gets harder from here. I received a few 817 area code Happy Birthday calls and because my phone contacts were wiped out, every call made my heart skip. We are currently number 3 for a boy and number 7 for a girl. wooohooo!

Closer.

Just as I was starting to get down with the sloooowness of things...today, two referrals!
If you could see my face you'd see lots of smiling.

And now I'm starting to kind of freak out with my lack of planning ahead.
I mean we haven't been sleeping with a stuffed animal for months that we would send with another traveling family so our babe will know our scent. And a little photo book to send...well we gotta get on that too! and shots and shots...we need to make appointments for vaccines.

As if blog stalking is not exhausting enough, now I have planning to do.
For now, I'm gonna take my smiling face to bed.

A girls gotta dream, right?

So. Friday is my birthday. 41.
After last year's amazing gift organized by the best husband and father on the planet and made possible by lots of friends and family....am I crazy to dream of a referral for my birthday? Especially when there are so many ahead of me on the list? Have there ever been so many referrals in ONE week? hmmmm, maybe I should go back and check. Honestly, with my mad stalker skilz, I cannot believe this fact has not already been calculated! hmmmmm.

You have to admit it would be the best present e-vah.

I have a girlfriend who says August is our month, but secretly I was hoping she got her vision slightly crossed and that August would be the month to bring this child home.

Friday also marks 6 months waiting. Which is less than average wait time for our agency. I have never ever hoped and wished to be less than average more in my life!

Currently top o' the play list.
This song by my all time fav Built to Spill (the lyrics=perfection)

The Wait

You wait
You wait
You wait for summer,
Then you wait for rain
You wait
You wait
You wait for darkness then you wait for day
Yeah, you wait
You wait
You wait

And she said patience, patience, darling
Patience, patience, it will come

You wait
You wait
You wait for August,
Then you wait for May
You wait
You wait
You wait to get up,
Then you wait to play
You wait
You wait
You wait for someone that'll make the waiting worth the wait
You wait
You wait
You wait

And she says patience, patience, darling
Patience, patience, it will come

Four Years Ago...

World Cup Soccer happens every four years. Here in NYC it's some serious WC fever.
Both Rolyn and I could not wait for it to start. And then yesterday, it did. We were both at work and both posted a similar status to the book of face within minutes of each other. That first game with the sounds and images took us back to four years ago. I had just been admitted to the hospital unexpectedly. Well not really unexpected but we really really hoped that it would not happen. I was 29 weeks pregnant with Davis. I had been on modified bed rest since week 12 and full-on-flat-out-bed-rest since week 20. At my weekly dr. appointment my cervix had dramatically shortened and my doc did not hesitate to admit me immediately. They hooked me up to a constant pump of meds that kept my uterus calm and made me feel speedy. And we waited. Begging borrowing and pleading that this baby would stay put. We waited and we held our breaths and we watched soccer.

6.5 weeks later. Davis arrived, 4 weeks 2 days early. She was 7lbs 3oz (go bed rest) and screaming. Which was what I needed. A screaming baby meant she was alive and she was here. Having given birth the year before to silent babies, all I wanted to hear was screaming. We had finally done it. We made it through 3 ivf cycles and 35 weeks 5 days of anxiety and we were on the "other side" SHE was here and she was healthy. Beautiful. In that moment it did not matter that I had been in bed for so long or all that I went through to even get pregnant. It just didn't matter. She was here! She has healed our hearts in the way they could be healed. She has also made us miss our Tess and Oliver and all that we missed with losing them.

Fast forward to four years later. As World Cup starts we again find ourselves waiting. The anxiety is there too but not the same as with Davis. But it's there. And funny enough some of the same questions of When? How? Boy? Girl? Well, they are all there too.

So I keep telling myself that once we are on the "other side" of all of this. Once we have this sweet baby, OUR baby, in our arms and in our home and in our family. None of this wait will matter. None of the paperwork, the changes in the process, and did I mention the wait? oh the WAIT. None of it will matter.

I'm not saying that I have forgotten about the heartache and anxiety that was the road to Davis. But I am saying that it's faded. It's not front and center. In the big picture it's just part of the story. The beginning.

So here we go. Watching World Cup Soccer, thankfully not flat out in a hospital bed, and we are waiting again. Waiting for the story to play itself out. I expect there to be bumps in this road that we've yet to encounter and that makes me anxious. I have faith that we will make it through and I know in the end this will all just be part of the story. The beginning.

Professions I'm not cut out for...

Professional (adoption blog) Stalker.
Although I believe I now have stellar qualifications, I do not think this would be a good career match for me. It's. Exhausting.